I'm Elmo and I Know It

2012-01-30T01:12:33Z

My son goes crazy for this video, and something tells me that your children will love it too! ]]>

The Man With No Face

2011-07-10T20:02:26Z

This brave man's face was cropped from the photo due to it's graphic content. What you don't see is a series of bloody scratch marks from his loving wife. G-d bless this man, and G-d bless the expectant father! ]]>

Father Drops More Than a Ball

2011-06-29T16:23:44Z

"Sir - Please do not drop your child." ...The only thing that would make this video worse is if the father was a Yankees fan.

Joke of the Day

2010-10-18T15:29:00Z

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive lady waving at him.

She says hi, and he's rather taken back because he can't place where he recognizes her from.

So the guy says, "Do you know me?"

The woman replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he cheated on his wife and says, "Holy shit! Are you the prostitute from Vegas that I had sex with at halftime of the basketball game? We were doing it on the coffee table with all my buddies watching while your partner tickled my ass with a pineapple?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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Swagger Wagon

2010-09-02T14:10:10Z

I no longer aspire to have the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren with gullwing doors. It's all about the "Swagger Wagon!" ]]>

Al Bundy

2010-08-04T14:14:44Z

My wife can't bend over to put on or take off her shoes. My part-time job is fitting shoes onto her swollen feet. Now I know how Al Bundy felt when he worked at Gary's Shoes and Accessories for Today's Woman at the mall. Whooooooooooa Bundy! ]]>

Who is the Father?

2010-08-03T00:08:30Z

The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section listing "Father's Details," or to put it another way "who's your baby's Daddy?"

1) I'm unsure on the identity of the father of my child because I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if that helps.

2) I've never had sex with a man. I'm still a Virginian. I'm awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is Saver risen again.

3) I can't tell you the identity of Crystal's father because he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I'm torn between doing right by you and by the country. Please advise.

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Total Recall - Kuato Lives

2010-07-26T01:24:06Z

How many of you remember the 1990 classic, Total Recall, starring the "Governator." I hope one of my friends buys us this baby snuggie... Wonder if it comes with the words, "Kuato Lives" tagged across the chest!?]]>

Push Present... The Shake Weight

2010-07-10T03:04:28Z

It's important that we support our pregnant partners after they give birth. The Shake Weight is a great gift to help encourage the ladies to lose the extra pounds gained during pregnancy. My favorite is yellow tank top girl!

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Diaper Duty

2010-07-09T01:43:53Z

Where can I register for this hazmat suit? ]]>

Love in an Elevator

2010-07-06T00:20:47Z

After a fun filled day of shopping for baby furniture, my wife and I arrived back to our apartment building. We entered the elevator with a hot twenty-something that overheard the tail end of our conversation. My wife was telling me how she looks and feels like a giant whale... She says this so frequently that I'm immune to it. There was about 15 seconds of awkward silence in the elevator before the hot chick made her exit. As she left the elevator, she turned to my wife and said, "I think you look beautiful." Before the elevator doors closed, I mumbled, "You don't look so bad yourself." Apparently, I spoke a bit louder than I had anticipated. The elevator door closed, and my wife's five fingers connected with my face. ]]>

Lady Gaga Concert Not for Pregnant Women

2010-04-18T01:01:41Z

So I decided to surprise my wife and get her tickets to Lady Gaga, who she loves. I searched high and low and got us great seats. I was so excited to tell her, and looked forward to receiving some brownie points. I bought the tickets and when I told her she said, "I'll be too pregnant to go to the concert. The noise will be too loud for the baby." Lady Gaga just shot me in the wallet with her boobyguns!

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Expectant Father With No Game

2010-04-18T00:57:36Z

My pregnant wife and I were on vacation with some friends. One night we decide to have a guys night out. The wife gave me her blessing and was all for it. So my buddies and I were out and the ladies were flocking to us like moths to a flame. (If only I got this much attention when I was single!) One girl starts chatting me up and spots my wedding ring. She was very disappointed that I was off the market... I even got a little frown face. She asked me why my wife wasn't out with my friends and I said, "oh she's home resting, because she's pregnant." I then, whipped out the big guns, the ultimate game killer, the sonogram picture. By the time I looked up she was gone. It's official... I have zero game!

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Sweet Dreams... Sucker!

2010-04-18T00:53:44Z

There's something special about being woken up in the middle of the night by your wife. One night when we were both sound asleep, and I heard a loud crack and felt a sharp pain on my jaw. It took me a minute to realize what happened, but then it all clicked that my wife smacked me in the face! I looked over and saw her pretend to fall back asleep. I immediately woke her up and asked why the hell did she hit me?! She said, "oh it's nothing, just go back to sleep." Here I am thinking, "it's nothing, you just whipped out some kind of secret mixed martial arts skills, and that's not nothing!" So again I woke her up and asked her why she smacked me. She hesitated and answered, "I had a dream that you were cheating on me with two hookers and you got syphilis. I was pissed!"... Oh the joys of pregnancy! ]]>

Sack of Potatoes to the Ribs

2010-04-18T00:46:44Z

My wife and I were doing our weekly grocery shopping. She was getting the vegetables and asked me to pick up a loaf of bread. What seemed like a logical question to me sparked a royal rumble. I asked her what type of bread she wanted. With smoke coming out of her ears and lightning bolts shooting out of her ass she said, "You should know what type of bread I want. You obviously don't pay close enough attention to me. Just get the damn bread." Clearly her hormones were in overdrive so I laughed, called her a "biotch," and walked away. I was pushing the shopping cart when I heard my wife call out my name. As I turned my head towards her I felt a strong hit to my rib cage. My wife took a sack of potatoes and knocked the wind right out of me. Let's just say, lesson learned!]]>

Paternity Pains